I’ve just returned home after dropping my sisters at the airport after a weekend visit and I feel….uneasy, I guess is the best description. Waving my sisters off wasn’t about to send me into a spiral of depression but it was definitely a sad moment, especially knowing that I won’t see them again until November. For the first time in many years I don’t know the daily ins and outs of their lives, as busy schedules and the ocean between us challenge communication styles. My life decisions have meant that I am now removed from their lives and I foresee no situation in which I will return to the proximity we once enjoyed and even took for granted. In fact, it is likely that my life path will mean that our meetings will become less frequent and my status will become increasingly that of “visitor”.
I am acutely aware of all of this and yet all I feel, sitting in my now strangely quiet house, is a sense of something being “not quite right”. The medication I take so that I can enjoy the wonderful life opportunities I have been given have a flip side – just as efficiently as they destroy the Down they also destroy the Up and the In Between. It does not distinguish between emotions. SSRI is not a fancy name for an administrative system that sits in your brain, filtering emotions and deciding which ones to file in the “okay to experience” pile. Instead it is akin to a joke I saw once, where somebody had placed a shredder directly under their letterbox – every emotional signal received is shredded irrespective of type or your ability to cope at that given moment.
I’m torn between knowing that this medication is vital for my life and my lifestyle and wanting to experience the depth of emotion that I know is within me this morning. Or any morning. Is this a signal that I am recovering? Is my mind telling me that I can cope with more? Or are these the thoughts we are warned about when told not to stop taking our SSRIS – that once we begin to feel better we should not mistakenly label ourselves as “cured”?
I don’t know the answers. But today I have a hell of alot of questions.