It’s not me, it’s you!

I had a mini-epiphany at 6.10am this morning. For me to have anything at any hour before 11 is amazing so I’m really taking this one on board.

It was one of those moments in life where you see a situation clearer than ever before. Similar to that point in an eye exam where the optician suddenly drops the best lens into the viewing panel and you see things as never before: clearer, sharper, the layer of blur you just can’t shake removed. Like the eye exam it lasts only an instant but you know you’ll never go back to seeing things that way again.

I can’t really explain my epiphany without some context so hopefully you’ll bear with me. When I was first diagnosed I was in a relationship. It was pretty serious: living together with marriage vaguely on the long term plan. When my illness hit its peak the relationship crumbled and I dealt with that period in my life mainly by myself. We co-existed until I was strong enough to leave.
For the last number of years I have filed that relationship under “damn you depression”, the end attributed to my illness making it impossible for me to be somebody he could love. He couldn’t cope with the me he ended up with and I couldn’t be any different because of where I was emotionally. I have always looked back with a sense of regret – not that it ended but that it ended because of my health. Another thing to resent my illness for.
This morning I saw it very differently. I realised that we were in two very different relationships: I was in one where I thought I could be myself, even the very worst version of myself, and he would love me regardless. He was in a relationship with the girl he met, who had long since ceased to exist.

It might not seem like a very big epiphany but it has turned my brain upside down. It’s not that the reasons for the end have changed, on the surface they are the same: arguments, lack of trust, no communication. But my perception of the underlying cause, the “secret reason” we kept to ourselves, has been smashed. It wasn’t my illness, it was his inability to accept me for who I really am.

He once told me “it’s not that I don’t love you but you make it very difficult”. I now realise that until 6.10am today I thought that he was right.

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It’s not me, it’s you!

9 thoughts on “It’s not me, it’s you!

  1. The idea of two relationships – that is something I’m going to mull for awhile. My ex and I keep hovering over this crazy indecision about whether we should try again and my illnesses are a big factor in us being apart. I feel all this pressure to get better so that I can stop inconveniencing him and the relationship (self imposed, not by him). I am thinking now, though, about that idea, maybe we are both clinging to different/old versions of who we are and were. Hmm.

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    1. I hope you can sort things out. Sounds like a difficult decision to make. A lot of things I’ve read advise people with depression to look at themselves and think “what would you say to a friend in this situation”. Maybe that perspective might help you? Don’t accept less than you deserve. Just because you were unlucky in the “heading out genes” game doesn’t mean you don’t get to win the true love game! I wish you luck with your decision.

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  2. Oh! And BTW, I did the My Family award thing … TWICE, for fuck’s sake, and both times, after all the effort I put in to it, something screwed up on WordPress.com, and my time was dually wasted! I don’t know if I’ll have the nerve to try again. …

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  3. I beared with you, and it was worth it. πŸ™‚

    I know how you feel, friend. Personally, I’ve looked at it from both angles, because I was lucky enough to have someone I trust tell me ‘Nah, you just haven’t found the right person for you. The right person will know how to navigate around all your shit’ (shit being all the things I revealed re: the shame I’ve felt all these years for what I’ve perceived as my grotesqueness).

    So I first saw that I killed another relationship, because of my depression/mood disorder of some kind. Then, during and after the time at which my now-ex moved out, my friend helped me see that, although I’ve been severely messed up, mentally and psychologically, for most of my 38 years, it’s also true that some people just aren’t a good fit, and that was the case with all of my exes, if I’m honest.

    But I’ve been in regular contact with the most recent ex, about whom I was wildly enthusiastic and with whom I was madly ‘in love’ (again, as I’ve been wont to do all these years, likely in a hypomanic state at the beginning of each relationship, which is greatly deceiving), and I know now that I still love her, in a certain way, but we both needed to move on, and that’s OK.

    Damn you! Moany! You sucked me in and now I don’t have time to write the post I really wanted to write today, watch another Woody Allen film, and get to bed early enough to be capable of rising from my slumber at 5:00 am!

    Hrrmph … *mentally walking away fuming inside, head hung low, shoulders hunched forward, about to have a tantrum if I can find a good little corner*

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    1. I’m so glad you’re in a good place regarding your ex. That’s good news. It’s pretty cool when you are able to give yourself the same care you’d give a mate – hey maybe I’m not an unloveable crazy head, maybe they were just wrong for me!

      I apologise for coming between you and Woody πŸ™‚

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