Wanting That Which I Can’t Have

I want to have down days, not weeks or months.

I want to drink a shot on a night out with friends and not worry about blacking out. I want to say yes to that fifth beer, flying in the face of my “4 beer rule”. I don’t want to be known as “the sensible one”, or in some hurtful cases “the boring one”.

I want to know what to say to strangers when I meet them and have to engage in small talk. I want to not second guess myself. I want to believe that my friends want to spend time with me. I want to stop offering them alternatives to my company, expecting them to bail out.

I want to get up and leave the house and not have to remember to take pills. I want to leave the house after forgetting my pills and not experience the chill of panic when I remember. I want to not be the girl in tears in the pharmacy because they don’t have my meds in stock and I’m all out.

I want to really read a book. I want to imagine the characters, their faces, their clothes, their little idiosyncrasies. I want to be able to talk to somebody about the book a week later…hell, a day later.

I want to remember what I did on Monday.

I want to have the energy to stay out in a social situation after 10pm. I want to look at the clock at 1am and think “wow, time flies when you’re having fun”.

I want to be able to press publish on this post without having to re-read it three times because I’ve lost my train of thought.

I want to be sad. I want to feel sadness. I want to cry for my Mother.

I want to feel angry when my friend does something stupid. I want to tell them they’re an idiot.

I want to be me. I know I’m in here somewhere.

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Wanting That Which I Can’t Have

8 thoughts on “Wanting That Which I Can’t Have

  1. Oh yes – me too on almost all of those. I also want so many things that seem so impossible in the midst of the lowness. Sometimes clawing my way to the light and to the positive seems too damn hard. Another of my wants? I want you to know that your voice matters, your feelings matter, YOU matter. Up, down, or anywhere in between, you matter. Hard as it is, try to bear that in mind, my friend.

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    1. Thank you friend. This was a lovely comment to read when I was feeling crappy. Thankfully today I can see good in the world again. But it was good to just type it all out yesterday. I guess that’s the good thing about blogs, maybe somebody else having a bad day will read that post sometime and then see that I did make it out of the crappy place and they might feel a bit of hope!

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  2. Hey. The ebbs and flows of life bring us up and down (lol, how cliche was that).
    When people hang out with you, they truly want to hang out with you. I used to do the same thing – offer up alternatives to hanging out with me – because “why would they want to hang out with me”, or “what do I have to bring to the table”, etc. etc. But something that takes time to be realized is that, man, life is too short to be with people that you don’t want to be with. They wouldn’t be there if they didn’t want to be. Now, whether their presence is a positive factor or a negative factor to *your* life is a whole other matter that you should ask yourself. However, as we get older, people are less inclined towards dealing with bullshit and/or things of little consequence.
    Having “small talk” with people, is also one of those things that is either something you want to do or something you don’t. If you don’t feel inclined to, then it’s okay. Really. I promise.
    Girl, despite the emotions you do (or don’t) feel…the very fact that you can post this with such certainty in knowing what it is you *WANT* is the first step towards *Achieving*. Those around you believe in you – it’s okay if you don’t, because we all know that we don’t always believe in ourselves – but hey, they’re rooting you on 100% of the way!

    Sorry, a block of unsolicited commentary and advice.

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    1. Thank you friend. I read this last night when I was feeling particularly mopey and it really did pep me up. All of the lovely comments on this post did. Sometimes despite everything you have a crappy mood you can’t shake – thankfully I’m feeling way more positive today πŸ™‚

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    1. I hear ya. I don’t find the weather very interesting but I’m aghast at the fact that as my age increases so does the frequency at which I find myself talking about it to strangers πŸ™‚

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