I’ve noticed a trend in my blogging: I only write when I’m under a cloud.
For the last couple of weeks I’ve been in a really good place. I don’t mean that I’m jumping up and down, brimming with joy and singing as I stroll down gold-paved streets – lets not get carried away! I think what I’m experiencing is being “normal”, i.e. regular life with good days and bad days, but without the usual overarching sense of bleakness that usually frames my waking hours. I’m not sure what has brought on this pleasant change and to be honest I’d rather enjoy it than question it!
The knock-on effect has been complete neglect of my blog. I’ve not been inspired to write and, other than the notifications that popup on my iPad, I’ve not even been checking my stats. And for somebody who’s sense of self has a massive dependency on the opinion of others, that’s quite a big thing. Instead of beating myself up about it though, I’ve been quite reflective on it. I’ve not tried to force myself to blog, nor have I spent time self-talking about how rubbish I am for not doing it.
So, I have now seen this blog for what it is: a coping mechanism and not my desire to be an award-winning mental health writer. It’s the refuge I turn to when I have so many thoughts I can’t keep up, but yet no energy to do anything with them. It’s a source of solace and comfort on dark days, when I engage with others just like me: I can know that I’m not alone.
For a long time I thought that I hadn’t found my self-help “thing” because I thought it had to be something earth shattering and all-consuming: jogging ten miles a day, playing an instrument for hours, meditating every night. I thought the “thing” would be akin to a new way of life, a philosophy. In true depressive fashion, I berated myself for not having one.
For the last few weeks, realising that I don’t need my blog right now has also made me realise that my blog is, in fact, my thing. I look forward now, not to needing it, but to knowing that when I do need it, maycauseirritation will be there.