Do I Need CBT?

I hit rock bottom on Saturday. Slammed into rock bottom more like! I didn’t see it coming. I had a pretty lousy Friday that ended in a fight with my boss. Saturday morning I knew I wasn’t right and on opening the door after a massage appointment my hallway presented a very clear choice: right to bed or left to life. I chose bed. And that’s where I stayed.

Poor Mr Moany hasn’t ever seen my rock bottom so I think it came as a bit of a shock to him. It has to be said though, he dealt with it impeccably. I told him “pretend I’m not here” and that’s exactly what he did. I felt no guilt about not partaking in entertainments or chats, because he got on with his weekend and left me to myself.

On Sunday I felt it better, thankfully. It had been a hit & run attack rather than a full blown episode. So much better in fact, that I looked at some CBT online and sourced a therapist. Which brings me, ever so round-about-ly to the title: do I need CBT?

I don’t hate myself. I don’t think I’m a failure or an idiot. I don’t berate myself so much these days for not being perfect. My old therapist and I spent a lot of time working on acceptance of self and I like to think I do okay in that sense. I have learned to cut myself some slack and even on Saturday I allowed myself to just accept the dark clouds and “go under” knowing that I would come out again. I accepted the shitty day knowing it wasn’t forever and didn’t feel weak for not having the ability to turn it around.

I say my boyfriend is a saint to put up with me, but rather than negative-talk that’s realism. On the flip side, I also know I bring a lot of positives to his life. I describe myself as crazy, but in jest. If I lose my sense of humour it really will be time to give up! In fact, I don’t think my illness has anything to do with my crazy. My brand of crazy is more about being kooky than ill.

So I don’t know if I need CBT. But the thing is, I don’t really know where else to go on this journey. If it is a journey and not in fact my destination. Perhaps this is my life. Perhaps there is no “one day”. Perhaps this is as good as it gets. If it is, that’s okay. It’s the what-if that’s the problem.

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Do I Need CBT?

5 thoughts on “Do I Need CBT?

  1. I’ll be interested to see what you decide. I am an aspiring counsellor and while I find traditional CBT to be too formulaic, I find the basic idea of the relationships among thoughts, feelings and actions makes sense. Change one element and the whole system changes.

    That said, you’ve obviously already done a lot of self work already. Plus, even though I use CBT with clients it is NOT the therapy I prefer for myself – there I want more acceptance and introspection and learning to trust my own voice. Although I did attend a mindfulness based cognitive therapy program once (for my own depression) and LOVED it. Mindfulness gets a bit overused these days, but for me it was wonderfully new and exciting. Though I have relapsed with the depression so maybe not so great? Or maybe I’d be in it even deeper without MBCT. So many questions, so few clear answers, I’m afraid. I’m glad you worked your way through your current episode – that must at least give you hope that you can manage to find your way out if it happens again.

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    1. Absolutely, I definitely know that these are just episodes and that I will always find my way back. It’s a powerful knowledge!

      I agree totally with all your comments and I definitely subscribe to the thoughts / feelings / actions idea. Mindfulness is something I’ve also dabbled with but to be honest I find the whole being still thing very difficult. I am really interested in the Osho perspective though – I think I was the only person on my mindfulness course who enjoyed the active shaking meditation. Everyone else was mortified πŸ™‚

      It must be super interesting studying the area whilst also having personal experience.

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  2. I don’t know hon. My friend bangs on about CBT all the time and my counsellor uses part of the skeleton of it (dealing with the here and now) as the basis of her practice, but the sessions I did just irritated me as they seemed so frigging text book. I would do more of the things that made me feel better if I actually loved myself but for a lot of the time I can’t, and if a practitioner can’t help me with that part and preach at me and show me charts and graphs, well they’re wasting my time. But your situation is very different to mine and if you find an adept practitioner, who knows, it may work for you x

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    1. Thanks for the honest feedback! Writing the post I wondered would I get alot of “oooh, I see textbook CBT needs in your piece” or “oh you have to try it for the amazingness”. It’s good to know I’m not alone in being skeptical. Not that it works, I definitely think it does, just that it might not work for the particular brand of that I have. I will keep you posted!

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