Have you ever had a major life decision to make, that you just couldn’t face? I’m not talking about if you should leave a full time job for a more interesting but temporary one. Or if you should buy a house or not. These are all big decisions, sure, but they don’t really determine the course of your life beyond perhaps a couple of years. I’m referring to the really big life-altering choices. Like leaving your partner. Or ending a friendship. Or leaving your family. Decisions that can’t be “taken back” once they’re made.
I have one of these decisions to make. I have had for the last three years. And I am nowhere near to making a choice. Instead, I have decided to put a pin in it. I live my life every day fully without reference to the issue. I have no feelings on it. I am numb. I live simply as if it did not exist.
Surely this is denial, you might say. And I would say no, it’s not. It’s entirely different. I don’t deny that I have a choice to make. I don’t deny the magnitude of it. I don’t deny the river of emotions that accompany both the decision and it’s eventual outcome. However, I accept that I am not emotionally ready to deal with it. And so, I live my life in the knowledge that one day, when I’m ready, I will make the decision and I will live through everything that comes with it.
And I know I will survive.