Random Stuff About Me

I found this over at The War in my Brain and it reminded me of the first days of email. I would get so excited about these!

Who was your strangest crush?
John Malkiovich. I think he’s approx 100 years old but I loved him. Somewhat reinforced by his recent awesomeness.

Do you have any irrational fears?
I will perform all kinds of acrobatic leg-holding-door-arm-reaching-lightswitch manoeuvres to avoid being in my hallway, or any hallway for that matter, in the dark.

Describe your guilty pleasures.
Romance novels. Especially historical ones. I love a good heaving bosom and a forced marriage to a brooding but sensitive Darcy-type.

What is the main thing that attracts you to the opposite sex?
There has to be a physical attraction. thats what might catch my eye initially. But it’s the sense of humour that deals the deal. A guy has to be able to have the banter & match what I dish out.

What is the wildest thing you have ever done so far?
Quit my job to travel the world solo when I’d never so much as eaten alone in a restaurant before.

What is your worst fear?
Snakes. Always has been. I’m trying to be more rational about it but some places I just won’t go eg. Australian bush walking, India, a reptile house.

What is one thing you do regularly that you would never want to be caught doing?
See guilty pleasures!

If you only had 24 hours left to live, what would you do?
Spend it eating chocolate cake with the people I love most in the world. I’d be selfish & selective, only having the exact people I wanted in the room, knowing I’d not have to deal with hurt feelings & recriminations afterwards. Two of those people would be Ben & Jerry!

What is the meanest thing you have ever done?
I stole money from the Lent charity box in my house when I was a kid. To buy sweets. Not exactly murder, but it was a pretty shitty thing to do.

What is the best thing you have ever gotten away with?
I’m pretty sure I should have failed my driving test in a spectacular fashion. I stalled the car twice & almost hit a truck. But somehow I passed.

What is the weirdest thing you have ever eaten?
Raw eel. Cooked, tastes like chicken. Raw, it’s textured how I imagine a snake would be. Based on entry above you can imagine how we’ll that went down…or didn’t in this case!

If you were born again, would you be willing to be born a different sex than you are?
I would actively want to be. Just to see if it made a difference. I’m also fascinated by the whole sex-organ-stuck-onto-the-body thing.

What is the most embarrassing thing you’ve done to get the attention of someone of the opposite sex?
Nothing really. I’m too reserved and often too surprised by the attention to even realise its on me.

What is the strangest dream you’ve ever had?
Years ago I dreamt that I was pregnant and in hospital but my bed was in the morgue. All the other occupants were on slabs with a sheet over their faces. My bed had a little locker & a reading light. When I woke up I reached down to pat my bump & when I discovered it gone I experienced the most devastating rush of loss & panic. It took me several hours to shake it off.

What is the worst thing about being your gender?
Periods. Leg shaving. The ‘glass ceiling’.

What is the last lie you told?
Yes, I’ll follow you down to the cafe for breakfast in just a jiffy darling…<door closes>…zzzzzzz

When is the last time you were caught in a lie?
This week. I told my boyfriend I had reviewed the online shopping list. He knew though. He always knows!

What flaws are enough to prompt you to end a relationship?
Causing me to doubt my self-worth for even a second. I’ve been there before. Never again.

What music are you embarrassed to admit you listen to when you’re alone?
The Now albums. At times I have the musical taste of a 12 year old girl!

What fears keep you up at night?
Monsters eating my toes when I have to put them out from the covers to cool down.

Have you ever stolen anything?
Money.

If you had the chance to be invisible for one day, what would you do?
Watch normal people. See what my boyfriend is like when I’m not around. I’m naturally nosy so the chance to see people in unguarded moments would be priceless. I loved shows like Big Brother, Come Dine With Me, etc. when they recruited “regular” people. This was long before they found all the weirdos and turned them into freak shows. Normal human behaviour is fascinating.

And that’s it. That’s me in a bizarre nutshell. For no particular reason other than a blast of nostalgia.

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Random Stuff About Me

Catching my Breath

For the first time in 3 months I have the luxury of time. Since my last post I have been working 7 day weeks, travelling non-stop for work or family events and trying to fit in those pesky little essentials: eating & sleeping. Two weeks ago I flew to Australia for a long-anticipated Xmas break. The first 2 weeks taken up with family events & social niceties but finally, this week, I checked into a beach side retreat for 2 days and, luxury of luxuries: I caught my breath! I’m not ashamed to admit that I “wasted” several hours playing on my iPad. Or that I spent a considerable portion of my first day sleeping away the beautiful sunlight. I’ll even admit that right now, instead of rushing out to explore Melbourne, I’m relaxing in my hotel lounge, drinking the free whiskey & waiting for them to bring out the free cake I’ve heard rumours of. I am well and truly “switched off”.

Unlike others who choose to disconnect from their work email when on holiday, I still have mine running on my phone. I check in every couple of days to see what’s happening & I delete the nonsense. (I like returning to a spam-free inbox.) Unlike other holidays though, I merely mark the important ones for follow up & then forget all about them. There have been several times I could have dropped a quick one-liner in reply, but I resisted by chanting the following rule: is this important enough to break the illusion that I’m uncontactable? We all know that as soon as we send that first fatal email we open the floodgates to a hundred “quick question”s and “just wanted to check”s. The web of invisibility I have successfully weaved was hard won and I won’t apologise for guarding it ferociously!

It all sounds good so far, right? There’s always a but…..now that I’m stripped bare of the emails and the “busy” and the oh-so-trivial-but-right-now-so-important things I fill my life with, I find that the real me has no where left to hide. The “new me” who practices disconnection and invisibility finally has the mental space to face up to emotions and decisions that have been buried under the flurry of my life. It hasn’t followed suit however, that the real me is ready for them. It’s easy to distract myself from inner turmoil when there’s grocery shopping to be done or a client meeting to be scheduled. Not so easy when I’m strolling along a beach listening to the crashing waves or snuggled up in bed with my beloved, eating Doritos and watching nonsense television. And so I find myself in a bittersweet and contemplative mood. This city is my oyster, promising delicious delicacies and enthralling experiences at every turn and yet my mind, and my heart, are demanding my attention. Who wins remains to be seen, although I suspect I already know the answer: if you ever find yourself in Melbourne let me know, because by this time tomorrow I’m sure I will have a detailed hour-by-hour itinerary I can send you…

Catching my Breath

Neglecting Moany

I’ve noticed a trend in my blogging: I only write when I’m under a cloud.

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been in a really good place. I don’t mean that I’m jumping up and down, brimming with joy and singing as I stroll down gold-paved streets – lets not get carried away! I think what I’m experiencing is being “normal”, i.e. regular life with good days and bad days, but without the usual overarching sense of bleakness that usually frames my waking hours. I’m not sure what has brought on this pleasant change and to be honest I’d rather enjoy it than question it!

The knock-on effect has been complete neglect of my blog. I’ve not been inspired to write and, other than the notifications that popup on my iPad, I’ve not even been checking my stats. And for somebody who’s sense of self has a massive dependency on the opinion of others, that’s quite a big thing. Instead of beating myself up about it though, I’ve been quite reflective on it. I’ve not tried to force myself to blog, nor have I spent time self-talking about how rubbish I am for not doing it.

So, I have now seen this blog for what it is: a coping mechanism and not my desire to be an award-winning mental health writer. It’s the refuge I turn to when I have so many thoughts I can’t keep up, but yet no energy to do anything with them. It’s a source of solace and comfort on dark days, when I engage with others just like me: I can know that I’m not alone.
For a long time I thought that I hadn’t found my self-help “thing” because I thought it had to be something earth shattering and all-consuming: jogging ten miles a day, playing an instrument for hours, meditating every night. I thought the “thing” would be akin to a new way of life, a philosophy. In true depressive fashion, I berated myself for not having one.
For the last few weeks, realising that I don’t need my blog right now has also made me realise that my blog is, in fact, my thing. I look forward now, not to needing it, but to knowing that when I do need it, maycauseirritation will be there.

Neglecting Moany

I’d like to thank my Goldfish…

The lovely Sistasertraline at Phoenix Flights has bestowed the WordPress Family Award on me and I am chuffed to bits. This morning I was happy with my 43 followers but now my eyes are gleaming with thoughts of gold twinkly statues and I have my Oscar speech for Best Blog prepared…mwah hah hah I will win ALL the awards…..ahem!

But seriously, though we all start blogging for different reasons I doubt anybody can deny the little sliver of self-satisfaction you get at your first comment or your first follow. And for someone with a slightly less stable mind the boost it can give is always gratefully received. So thanks Sista and also, right back atcha!

Rules of WordPress Family Award

1. Display the award logo on your blog.

2. Link back to the person who nominated you.

3. Nominate 10 others you see as having an impact on your wordpress experience and family

4. Let your 10 Family members know you have awarded them

5. That is it.

Nominees

So, I don’t have 10 nominees (yet!) but the people who are definitely in my WP Family are:

1. Sistasertraline

2. AOpininatedMan

3. FloatingSheep

4. Onebreath

5. MissFourEyes

6. RougedMount

7. Allie @ Hyperbole & A Half (not because we interact regularly, in fact we’ve never interacted, but check out why here)

8. Workingwithwords

Wordpress Family Award
WordPress Family Award
I’d like to thank my Goldfish…

Someone drew me on the Internet

Recently I discovered that an old favourite of mine, Allie at Hyperbole and a Half, had written a new(ish) post – a follow up to her amazing 2011 Adventures in Depression.

When I was first diagnosed and nosing around the interwebs to find comfort, information & maybe even a silver lining in this whole crazy thing, her post was one of the first things I read that really struck me. It made me feel so much less alone, so much more “normal” and I realised that there were actually other people in this world who felt exactly like I did. That’s a pretty powerful thing when you’re at your lowest point and you feel that no one understands you. To find a person who gets the “hidden” you that you struggle to hide from most people is pretty rare – for that person to be someone on another continent, who you’ve never met and who doesn’t even know you exist….well, I did say I was crazy right!

Allie struck a chord with me because she expressed my thoughts and feelings better than I ever could and with so much humour and creativity. Then I realised she also drew me! Right there in part two. This is now my phone screensaver, because the instant I saw it something in it connected with me. I love my coffee, I love to hang out in cafes & I always glare at people who are making noise or daring to have fun in my vicinity. Why are they laughing? Why are their lives so easy and mine is so hard? Are they laughing at me? I’m such an outsider. Nobody likes me. STOP MAKING JOYOUS SOUNDS OUT OF YOUR FACE.

Since I started this blog I’ve had 42 follows and a handful of comment-exchanges with others. I have made a teeny tiny wave in the world and I have interacted with people just like me, something my “real life” never gives me the opportunity to do. It might not seem like much, but to me sitting in my home, trying to make sense of the hand life has dealt me, it means the world.

Someone drew me on the Internet