Wanting That Which I Can’t Have

I want to have down days, not weeks or months.

I want to drink a shot on a night out with friends and not worry about blacking out. I want to say yes to that fifth beer, flying in the face of my “4 beer rule”. I don’t want to be known as “the sensible one”, or in some hurtful cases “the boring one”.

I want to know what to say to strangers when I meet them and have to engage in small talk. I want to not second guess myself. I want to believe that my friends want to spend time with me. I want to stop offering them alternatives to my company, expecting them to bail out.

I want to get up and leave the house and not have to remember to take pills. I want to leave the house after forgetting my pills and not experience the chill of panic when I remember. I want to not be the girl in tears in the pharmacy because they don’t have my meds in stock and I’m all out.

I want to really read a book. I want to imagine the characters, their faces, their clothes, their little idiosyncrasies. I want to be able to talk to somebody about the book a week later…hell, a day later.

I want to remember what I did on Monday.

I want to have the energy to stay out in a social situation after 10pm. I want to look at the clock at 1am and think “wow, time flies when you’re having fun”.

I want to be able to press publish on this post without having to re-read it three times because I’ve lost my train of thought.

I want to be sad. I want to feel sadness. I want to cry for my Mother.

I want to feel angry when my friend does something stupid. I want to tell them they’re an idiot.

I want to be me. I know I’m in here somewhere.

Wanting That Which I Can’t Have

Can’t Go, Won’t Go

I spend a lot of my time convincing myself that I really do want to leave the house & socialise. I remind myself it’s my illness talking when I say I don’t want to go. So when I’m actually looking forward to leaving the house & something else gets in the way I seriously resent it.

For the last two days I’ve had the most painful headache. Not a headache actually, more like a skull & brain ache. It hurts to use my eyes, to close my eyes, to lie down, to stand up, to be awake, to sleep….you get the idea.

Today I have a social event and as I sit here having gotten dressed nicely, done my hair and covered myself in SPF 50 all I want to do is go home and crawl under my duvet. And it’s not my brains fault this time. Well, okay it is my brain….but it’s not my Mind! And boy do I resent it. Sometimes it feels like I can’t win. Just as one part of me plays the game of life another part of me throws a tantrum.

Like a child I want to stomp my feet and shout “not fair not fair”. Except doing that would hurt my stupid brain.

Can’t Go, Won’t Go

Immortal – Plenty of Time to Wallow

A recent Daily Prompt was: You’ve imbibed a special potion that makes you immortal. Now that you’ve got forever, what changes will you make in your life? How will you live life differently, knowing you’ll always be around to be accountable for your actions?

Despite all of the opportunities to travel, experience new things, learn 20 languages, etc. that this could present, my gut reaction on seeing the prompt was “oh wow, I’d have time to wallow”. I spend my entire life fighting against my brain’s instinct to sit in a corner with the lights out, not even bothering to rock back and forth. The flight of my own personal fight or flight battle.

Time ticks by – sometimes it feels as if a year is gone in mere seconds. Already I have reached July without quite finding a purpose to my 2013, though I feel as if I’m still standing at January 1st deciding what to make of the year ahead. I should probably get started! So if I had all the time in the world, I’d pick flight. I’d lie down and I’d let my brain win. I’d press pause on my Type A personality, knowing I’d have time to deal with the consequences – no opportunities would be lost, promotions would come around again and there would always be “next time”.

The bliss that I know awaits me underneath my duvet, the relief of not fighting every single second of every single day, would be worth more than any foreign adventure or once-in-a-lifetime experience. I’d gift myself the beauty that is “giving in”….just for a little while.

Immortal – Plenty of Time to Wallow